Hello to you! Let me start by saying that I have been a loyal Ralphs shopper for a lonnnnnnng time. Oh sure, I admit that I have gone into a Safeway, Albertons or Vons in a pinch, but for a truly enjoyable shopping experience, there’s no place like Ralphs! You can feel free to use that as a slogan if you like! I even know my Ralphs Club Card number by heart! Don’t believe me? Well, does 4-76059-21571-7 ring a bell? It should, because it’s me... Herb Smithers!

Anyway, let’s get to the point. Needless to say, I had been excitedly waiting for the new SUPER REMODELED Ralphs here in good old Glendale, California, and on the day of the official GRAND REOPENING, I headed over bright and early. By the way, whoever draped the red, white and blue bunting around the front of the store did a GREAT job, because not only was I anxious to start my shopping, but I felt like a PROUD American. Or should I say a PROUD RALPHS AMERICAN!

When I walked in I saw those neatly lined stacks of shiny carts... the new plastic ones, not the old metal ones, since, as usual, Ralph’s is the trailblazer of markets!... but what REALLY caught my eye were the 4 brand new motorized carts parked nearby. The ones that say “For Our Customers Who Can Use A Little Hand”. Man, they were beauties... the Porsches of carts! Then something odd happened. A stocky Armenian woman with a small moustache plopped herself down in a cart and sped off down the produce aisle!

“What goes on here?”, I wondered. I thought those carts were for ‘customers who needed a little hand’, like... customers who maybe didn’t HAVE a hand, for example. The only hand that woman looked like she needed was directions to the where the Nair was so that she could remove that bush under her nose. Out of curiosity, I carefully started to follow her... up one aisle, down another aisle... and not ONE time did it look like she needed use of the cart. By gosh, at one point she even STOOD RIGHT UP and grabbed two cans of garbanzo beans! She was zipping and zagging through the aisles like she was racing in the Indy 500!

By now I had become so involved in her fraud that I followed her into the checkout line. I paid for a package of strawberry Pop Tarts that I grabbed as a ruse, then tailed her through the parking lot. Well, my hunch was right. She scootered her way past the handicapped parking, screeched to a halt next to a 1985 Chevy Caprice, then stood up on her stumpy, industrial-style-pantyhose encased legs like a NORMAL PERSON, and loaded her groceries into her trunk! I was shocked! Fortunately, I keep a Quick-Shot disposable camera in my glove box, and I was able to take this picture of her:

I thought your store manager might want to make a copy of this cart-abuser and post it over the service desk so that she can’t get away with taking advantage of a Ralphs’ spiffy courtesy cart again.

P.S. Since we’re on the subject of cart abuse, can you get rid of those little shopping carts with the flags on them that kids push around? I’ve never seen a child go through the checkout line with one of them filled with groceries and whip out some cash from their ‘Hello Kitty’ wallets to pay for anything. They are very annoying, and every time I see one coming around a corner, I have an uncontrollable tendency to salute the flags on them.  

Warm regards,
Herb Smithers

From: Customerservice@Kroger.com  
To: HERB SMITHERS@aol.com
Subject: Re: Motorized Carts

Dear Mr. Smithers, 

Thank you for your recent email. It is always a pleasure to hear from one of our satisfied Kroger family shoppers.

In response to your inquiry about usage of our motorized carts, our company has no set policy concerning who may use one of the carts, with the exception of children. These carts are provided to any adult who may feel the need to use one, and we assume that customers will not abuse the opportunity to use a cart when shopping.

The child push carts you refer to are provided as a helpful convenience to parents in order to help amuse their children while they are shopping.   

We do value your concern, and as a token of our appreciation attached is a coupon that you may print out for one dollar off your next Ralphs shopping visit.

Sincerely,
Kevin J.
Customer Service

To: Kroger.com/customer service
Subject: Re: Motorized Carts

Hello to you again, Kevin J! It’s me again... Ralphs Club Card member 4-76059-21571-7... Herb Smithers!

Wow! Thanks for the coupon! You know what I used that $1 for? One of those deeeeeeeeeeeee-licious rotisserie chickens from our deli department! Man, oh man, are they good! I think sitting under those heat lamps for eight or nine hours really adds some zest to them!

First, thanks for clearing up the motorized cart incident that involved that mustachioed Armenian lady! Secondly, I would like to use a cart too! My question is, do I need to take some type of driver’s test before I can use one? I used to drive a cab, so I consider myself a very safe and courteous driver, and I will use hand signals when I turn aisle corners. Also, can I get a handicapped card to hang from my cart when I use it? Unlike that Armenian woman with the stumpy legs, I really am handicapped. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that my handicap involved a cheating ex-wife and several gallons of gasoline, which, by the way, causes me to grab the chickens from under those blazing heat lamps real quick.

Anyway, if you could get back to me about the driving test, I would appreciate it. Oh, and can I have another coupon?

Thanks!
Herb        

From: Customerservice@Kroger.com  
To: HERB SMITHERS@aol.com

Subject: Re: Motorized Carts

Dear Mr. Smithers,

There is no required test for using a Kroger courtesy cart. Simply inform the store manager that you would like use of one, and they will activate the cart for you.

Unfortunately, it is our policy to issue a single email coupon, therefore, I can not assist you with your request.

Sincerely,

Kevin J.
Customer Service

To: Kroger.com/customer service
Subject: Motorized Cart Incident

To Whom It May Concern (this means Kevin J.):

We have a problem here. Per the instructions in your previous correspondence, during last week’s trip to Ralphs to do my shopping, I asked the store manager (I think his name was Brad or Tad or something along that line) to use one of the motorized shopping carts. Brad/Tad did indeed activate cart #2 for me, then gave me brief instructions on how to use it. I must say, I was very excited! I found the seat to be particularly comfortable, and the cart was easy to handle, which provided a very smooth ride! So, all was going well until I attempted to make a right-hand turn onto aisle 10 to pick up several boxes of Pop Tarts. Out of the blue I found myself facing a head-on collision with a child who was ZOOMING up the aisle with one of those gosh darned kiddie carts that I specifically mentioned to you before! I gave my cart a hard swerve to the left, but I was still side-swiped by that brat, who caused me to plow into a very large display case of 16 ounce cans of Swanson’s Chicken Broth. Besides the sudden impact which caused whiplash to my neck, at least half a dozen cans of broth dropped from a height of approximately five feet, and bombarded my testicles, which immediately began to swell to the size of cantaloupes. I was in SEVERE PAIN, and I immediately began yelling at the reckless girl, who then attempted to run away! Fortunately, I was able to bend over and grab the culprit by her ankle, who then tried to gain pity from the crowd who had gathered around the accident scene by crying! According to you, those kid carts are to help parents amuse their snotty little brats while they shop. So was the parent of this child with her? NO! It took Brad/Tad to call over the loudspeaker to get this crazy driving brat’s mother over from the feminine hygiene products aisle!

The entire event was a fiasco. Brad/Tad had to call the paramedics because I couldn’t stand up due to my now WATERMELON sized testes, and I had to be carried out on a stretcher with a neck brace on in the event that I had SPINAL DAMAGE! And all the while that I was being CARTED out of the store, I could hear still hear that horrible child crying as though the wreck had been MY fault!

This is to inform you that I am filing suit for neck and testicular damages against Ralph's, Brad/Tad or whatever the heck his name is, the feminine hygiene-let your child race willy-nilly through the store like it’s some type of demolition derby- mother, her reckless daughter, Debbie, and YOU, MR. KEVIN J! I warned you about those annoying carts, by golly, and now you will PAY! I am therefore requesting that you send me your FULL name so that my attorney can add it to this legal matter. And on that note, I wish you good day, sir!

Sincerely sore,
Herbert Smithers