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My Medical Problem:
THE BEGINNING:
I love the snow. I love the
cold. I love watching people ice-skate and seeing children
building snowmen. I love it all... as long as I'm watching
it while sitting in front of the fireplace while being
comfortably numb by whacking back some Vicodine with a
couple of Mickey’s double-deuces.
Dexter,
a cannabis-loving friend of
mine who has a place up in Lake Arrowhead invited me up for
a few days. Against my better judgment, he talked me into
participating in some of the local activities, such as
snowboarding (never good at it... not very balanced),
ice-skating (never good at it... weak ankles), and sitting
around a big bonfire on the frozen lake while local
residents serenaded the crowd with Christmas songs (can we
go home now?). Yet all in all, I had a pretty good time...
until something unusual occurred.
I don't recall exactly when
I noticed it. At first I thought I might have strained
myself, and didn't give it much thought, but then it woke me
up the following night. I knew something was wrong then, but
I didn't know what it was. I wasn't sure who to consult on
this. My doctor? No, not yet, at least. My mom? No, too
embarrassing. I decided that my problem was directly related
to my visit in Lake Arrowhead, so the next morning, I called
my friend:
Dexter: What's up?
Taxi: Hey, I got a
problem.
Dexter: I don't have
any money, Tax'.
Taxi: It's not that.
I've got a (hesitant)....
Dexter: Come on, spill
it.
Taxi: I've got a...
bump... coming out of my ...ass.
Dexter: (hysterical
laughing).
Taxi: It's not funny.
I'm thinking it may be cancer.
Dexter: Oh, come on,
you've never had them before?
Taxi: Had what?
Dexter: Hemorrhoids,
man!
My jaw
dropped. I felt faint. It seemed as though the room was
swirling around me, and all I could hear was that word
reverberating through my head... HEMORRHOIDS! HEMORRHOIDS!
HEMORRHOIDS! I dropped down in my chair.
Taxi: How much...
time... do I have, Dexter?
Dexter: A few weeks...
Taxi: Huh?
Dexter: They can last a
few weeks unless you do something about them, ya dope! You
probably got them from sitting around the lake. The cold can
cause them.
I
vaguely knew what they were, of course, but over the course
of the next ten minutes I was given a grand overview into my
sore rectum.
Taxi: So what do I do
now?
Dexter: Go to the store
and get some ointment. It'll clear it right up.
Preparation-H is the best.
Ugggggggh. Preparation-H. The "old people's" medicine I'd
laughed about for years. Suddenly my own mortality hit me. I
was over 40 now. I was officially a middle-aged man… and I
was going to die soon.
Fantasy:
Taxi's body, covered by
a sheet, is wheeled out of the medical examiner's office.
The Chief Examiner is followed out of the room by his
assistant, who is holding a clipboard...
Assistant: What should
I list the cause of death as?
Chief Examiner: (sadly
shakes head) The worse case of hemorrhoids I've ever seen in
my life. Death by rectal asphyxiation. Poor bastard.
THE
MIDDLE:
I should have been a man. I
should have marched right into the drug store, walked up to
the clerk, and said, "I'll take a tube of Preparation-H,
please". But I didn't.
I charted out my mission
with the precision of a military action. Upon deciding that
I'd least stand out in a large crowd of people, I decided to
go to the supermarket to make my purchase. Although I'd gone
food shopping just a few days ago, I needed some camouflage
items to cover the purchase I needed to make most. So I
grabbed a shopping cart, and started to roll down the
aisles...
I grabbed
an industrial size box of
laundry detergent, enough to last me a year. Four
Porterhouse steaks. A tube of bathtub caulking. Assorted
boxes of frozen Green Giant vegetables. A meat thermometer
that I could possibly stick up my ass to take my rectal
temperature if I suddenly felt feverish. And then, I reached
the drug and cosmetic aisle...
I quickly browsed the
shelves, wondering where they'd keep the stuff. What
category would they keep it under? First aid? Pain
relievers? Next to the Polydent, so that other old people
like me could easily find them on what will soon be regular
visits? And then I saw it.
Jesus
Christ, the Preparation-H came in the size of a jumbo tube
of toothpaste! Weren't there any smaller, dainty tubes for
people who only needed to use the stuff for a short term
problem? This tube was gonna last me years! I could pass it
around to all the neighbors on my block to use! I felt like
crying. This was not going to be an item that could be
casually hidden. I sighed, then quickly glanced around. The
aisle was empty. I made my move with the smoothness of a
swift pickpocket... I grabbed the tube and stuffed it under
a loaf of bread.
I scanned the checkout
lines. I was looking for a clerk who was older, someone more
mature. Someone who might have had to make a similar
purchase themselves. Ahhh, there she was. A matronly, gray
haired woman who kinda looked like my dear, departed
grandma. I was sure that she could sympathize with my
plight.
I placed the Preparation-H
in the middle of my other items. I placed it so that the
label was down, with the bar code easily exposed. With a
quick turn of her wrist, the clerk would easily scan the
tube, and no one in line behind me would even notice what I
had bought. Heh-heh... it was foolproof. Or so I thought.
I
started to bag the groceries myself. I didn't want some punk
bag-boy picking the tube up and chuckling. The clerk picked
up the tube (I was ready to grab it the moment it landed).
She scanned it (almost there). She was ready to slide it
down the conveyor belt (come to Papa!). And then the clerk
at the next stand asked her a question about the produce
code for hot house tomatoes.... and I was sunk.
My clerk was very animated;
waving her hand and my industrial sized tube of
Preparation-H as she spoke. The label was clearly visible to
everyone around me. I was mortified. I felt myself turning
beet red. I turned my face so that the people behind
couldn't readily identify me...
Fantasy:
Policeman: Can you
describe the item the clerk was holding when the man ran out
of the store?
Shopper: It was an
enormous tube of hemorrhoid ointment! The largest I've ever
seen!
To make
matters worse, an attractive bag-girl had walked to the
stand, and was starting to pack my groceries. My plan was
falling apart! It was chaos! Oh, the humanity!
I quickly thought about
prying the tube out of the clerk's hand. "Gimme my anal
ointment, you silly old woman!". But it was too late. I'd
lost. I could feel sweat rolling down my face, and I thought
I heard snickering behind me. I just felt lucky that the
clerk didn't call out for a price check over the
loudspeaker. I felt two-foot tall, and I could swear that my
inflamed vein was clearly protruding from the back of my
jeans for all to see.
THE END:
It took two trips to my
truck to carry in the five bags of groceries. I grabbed a
beer and ran the cool bottle over my perspiring face. Well,
at least it's over with, I thought. But as I continued to
empty out the bags, I started to panic again... "Where the
fuck is it?!".
My God, the silly little
bitch had forgotten to pack my Preparation-H! I'm gonna have
to call them! I'm going to have to go back there!
Fantasy:
Taxi: (into phone) Yes,
I just found that one of my purchases wasn't bagged.
Store Manager: Oh,
you're the guy with the 'roid cream? Well, we have it
hanging from a rope over the front desk. Stop by anytime to
pick it up. Have a nice day (click).
My knees
shook like jelly. I couldn't go through it again. I grabbed
the kitchen counter for support. And then, in the bottom
corner of one of the bags, I saw it. She hadn't forgotten it
after all! Hee-haw and Merry Christmas! It is a
wonderful life!
I clutched the tube to my
bosom and ran to the bathroom. I carefully went through the
instructions as though I was reading the Lost Scrolls. Clean
the affected area... this product is not for oral
consumption... carefully apply the ointment to... KEEP OUT
OF CHILDREN'S REACH, FOR CHRIST SAKE!
I'll spare you the sordid
details. Let's just say that after several days of "a little
dab will do ya", I was back to normal. And once I returned
to my old self, I took the tube and looked for a safe place
to hide it, out the eyes of prying guests who rummage
through your medicine cabinet to steal your pharmaceuticals.
I decided on the attic, where it now sits safe and sound in
the event that I ever have to live through that nightmare
again.
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